Reclaiming the Dinner Table: How to Rebuild Connection and Intimacy in a Digital World

As we are so disconnected form each other right now with the use of devices or answering emails and not really clocking off when we should be, a connection at dinner time is falling by the wayside. We’re often eating on the go, or eating at our WFH desk, or even having a TV dinner. This has made us less connected and can affect the way we communicate with each other. It makes us less able to bring things up when it comes to communication, trust and intimacy issues.

So when we start to bring eating at the dinner table and making it a pact to react with each other without any devices only twice a week, this can have a significant positive effect on the relationship.

The Neurochemistry of Cooking Together

I always get my clients once or twice a week to actively cook together. This can bring the cortisol levels down (stress) and bring the serotonin, dopamine and endorphins higher, meaning there is more of a connection being built.

This allows you to co regulate your nervous systems together because you are using your senses with the smells of food, the feel through textures, the taste through eating, the feel of the wood on the table etc. If this happens twice a week, it doesn’t feel like a chore, but it feels like more of a genuine connection.

Creating a 'Phone-Free' Zone

I will say to my clients when they sit down to have a ‘phone free’ zone so there can be more of a connection built. This is a great way to ask questions about what you both got up to during the day and to talk about genuine things. You start to actively listen to each other whereas if we are on our phones, we are physically there but not listening etc because the focus has been taken away from your partner and is on your phone.

You are getting the dopamine hit from talking to each other, looking into each other’s eyes and feeling that genuine connection. Eye contact is a great way to build and release the oxytocin, making us feel more intimately connected.

Opening the Door to Difficult Conversations

It gives you both space to ask questions which you may find hard to ask when you are sitting and being open, honest, raw and real with each other. As there are other things on the table, for example sipping water, or picking up your knife and fork, these are little signs which make it easier to being up difficult conversations.

By asking your partner:

• ‘what was one thing that you found exciting today?’ or

• ‘What are you grateful for today?’

It allows the conversation to flow better and because there are no distractions, you can be more real with each other. This makes for a better bonding experience.

Structuring Your Non-Negotiables

A great way to factor this into your weekly schedule is to have a non-negotiable two days where you do this and don’t move these. These could maybe be a Sunday evening, so you are both calm for work on a Monday morning, or a Thursday evening. You can choose.

Keep the Meal Simple

Keeping the meal simple. It doesn’t have to be a three-course meal, it could just be Spaghetti bolognaise, but the key is to make it fun when you are cooking. Flirt with each other, dance around the kitchen together. Making it fun instead of a chore is a great way to keep the connection going.

Setting the Mood

When it comes to sitting down, place a candle on the table and put on a chillout or lounge playlist or have classical music playing. This can help set the mood.

If you have a wooden table, look at all the scrapes, scratches etc on it. Remember this table has been through a lot and you can use this in your relationship to. There will be marks and starches etc within you relationship, but this table has stood the test of time and so will your relationship.

How to Pivot

If for any reason you cant make it that non-negotiable evening due to a work commitment or something else, pivot that and make it a morning breakfast at the weekend or choose a lunch date.

If you did this, your relationship will become stronger, because you can be more open, honest, raw and real with each other.