Introducing a Dildo Into Partnered Play: A Guide to Enhancing Your Intimacy

Introducing a dildo into your partnered play can be an incredibly exciting way to mix things up, but it requires a foundation of trust. To make this transition smooth, you first need to have a conversation outside of the bedroom. Be open, raw, and honest with each other.

Remember: communication is lubrication.

Don’t force the subject, and always listen to each other’s needs. You aren’t fixing a problem in the bedroom; you are merely enhancing your collective needs, wants, and desires. Start by framing the conversation around the fact that you already have an amazing sex life, but you’d love to try something new together.

How to Start the Conversation Using "I" Statements

When bringing up couples sex toys, listen closely to your partner's response and reframe your desires using "I" statements so they don’t feel attacked or inadequate. Here are a few ways you can phrase it:

• "I have been thinking about our intimacy lately, and I feel really curious about trying out a dildo with you. I think it could be a fun way for us to explore some new sensations together."

• "I love the physical connection we have, and I’ve been feeling like I want to try incorporating a dildo into our routine. I feel like it would be an exciting way to mix things up and see what we both enjoy."

  
  

• "I’ve been doing some thinking about my own desires, and I realised I’d really like to try using a dildo when we’re together. I wanted to share that with you and see how you feel about us trying it out. What are your thoughts?”

Coach's Tip: You can even mention that you’ve been thinking about it for a while and recently read a great blog post (this one!) online that inspired you to enhance your mutual pleasure.

Overcoming Insecurities & Navigating Smaller Packages

Quite a few people are hesitant to try dildos because they are afraid of being replaced. If your partner has a smaller package, or general anxiety about toy size, reassurance is key. A toy will never replace the human interaction, warmth, and emotional connection you share as a couple.

If you are navigating reassurance around size, focus on these shifting mindsets:

• Focus on Erogenous Zones: A dildo is simply a tool to hit different angles and internal hotspots. Discuss targeting the prostate (the P-spot) on men, or the G-area on women.

  
  

• Prioritise Angles Over Size: Different lengths and girths allow you to achieve angles that human anatomy alone sometimes can't.

  
  

• Start Small: There is no need to jump to a massive toy. Pick something manageable, see how it goes, and add to your collection as your comfort grows.

  
  

Using active listening during this conversation is a great way for both of you to feel seen, heard, and completely secure.

The Basket Game: A Fun Way to Shop for Sex Toys Together

As a relationship coach, I always advise my clients to go into a sex shop together or browse an online boutique as a team. Pick up the toys, feel them in your hands, and brush them against the back of your hands (the skin is softer there and has more nerve endings).

To make it an adventure, play the Basket Game:

1. Split up and go separate ways around the shop (or browse different tabs online) with your own basket.

   
   

2. Set a time limit of about 10 minutes.

   
   

3. Pick up anything you would like to try. It can be absolutely anything.

   
   

4. Meet back matches and discuss what you have both put in your baskets.

   
   

Depending on your budget, choose a couple of items from each basket to buy and take home. This ensures you are both experiencing the journey together. Keep the communication open, real, and raw. Ask each other: How do we want to feel using this? Is it for vaginal play, anal play, or both?

FAQ: Using Dildos in a Relationship

Can dildos improve couples’ intimacy?

Yes, absolutely! Introducing couples sex toys enhances communication, trust, and vulnerability. Shifting your mindset from "this toy will take over" to "this toy will increase pleasure for both of us" allows you to fully relax.

Using dildos can increase physical pleasure and orgasms, which releases calming hormones into the body, making you feel emotionally closer. Over time, bedroom routines can start to feel mundane; introducing a new element keeps the excitement alive.

Is it normal to need time to get used to a dildo?

Yes, it takes time to adjust to new sensations. Dildos come in silicone, glass, metal, and ceramic, and they all feel different. It might feel a bit awkward at first, but once you relax, it becomes highly pleasurable.

When you focus entirely on stimulation and arousal, it keeps your nervous system in a calm state, allowing your nerve endings to open up. Some toys may feel heavier or lighter than you expect, give your body time to adapt.

How can couples safely size up?

If you want to transition to a toy that is slightly wider or longer than your partner's natural size, follow these steps:

• Use Copious Amounts of Lube: You can never have too much lubrication. It makes insertion smooth and comfortable.

  
  

• Breathe and Relax: Keep your breath slow, stay warm, and focus on the positive sensations.

  
  

• Try Mutual Masturbation: Introduce the dildo during mutual masturbation first so there is no pressure.

  
  

• For Anal Play, Go Slowly: If you are exploring anal play, start small and insert slowly. You can also use anal training kits to help your body adapt.

  
  

Always listen to your body, work through any negative self-talk, and keep communicating every step of the way!