10 Ways to Tell If You’re Bad at Sex, And How to Fix It

I was recently asked by Superdrug Online to provide my expert relationship commentary on a highly sensitive, taboo topic: How do you know if you are underperforming or disconnected in the bedroom?

When people worry about being bad at sex, they usually focus entirely on physical mechanics. But as a sex and relationship coach, I know that great sex is actually a reflection of emotional safety, active listening, and open communication.

If you missed the feature in the media, here is my full, raw, and real breakdown of the 10 bedroom red flags and the exact coaching tools you can use to bring the spark right back.

1. You Struggle to Lose Yourself in the Moment

This is a major red flag because it means you are trapped in your own head rather than being in your body. You might be stressing over a work email or replaying an argument you had earlier in the day, leaving you entirely checked out emotionally.

• The Fix: In the middle of intimacy, consciously bring your focus back to your breathing. It grounds you instantly. I teach my clients the 4-7-8 breathwork technique: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. Doing this in unison with your partner builds an incredibly intense emotional connection.

2. Your Partner Stops Giving You Feedback

When a partner completely stops giving you feedback, it usually means they have emotionally checked out of the relationship due to chronic communication or listening issues. They may have tried to guide you in the past, but because you didn’t take it on board, they have given up trying, a classic sign of quiet quitting.

• The Fix: You need to have an open, honest, raw, and real conversation completely outside of the bedroom. Use "I" statements so you don’t pass blame (e.g., "I feel disconnected when..."). Put away your digital devices, practice your 4-7-8 breathing to stay calm, and truly listen to what they are saying without jumping to defensiveness.

3. You Rarely Last Long Enough for Your Partner to Finish

This creates a frustrating orgasm gap in the relationship. Statistically, men usually last between 5–7 minutes, whereas women often require 20–30 minutes of continuous stimulation to finish.

• The Fix: Bridge the gap with crystal-clear communication. Tell each other exactly where, how, and for how long you like to be touched. If you aren't sure what you like, take time to masturbate on your own to learn your body inside and out. In the bedroom, guide each other's hands physically across your bodies, and don't be scared to introduce sex toys or oral sex to ensure you both cross the finish line.

4. A Total Lack of Communication

If you cannot express your needs before, during, and after sex, you disrupt the entire experience. Worse, if something physically hurts and you stay silent, you risk causing serious physical injury to yourself or your partner.

• The Fix: Try my Back-to-Back Communication Exercise. Sit on the floor back-to-back with your partner. One person talks about their desires or frustrations while the other simply listens without interrupting. Once finished, the listener must validate them by saying, "I hear you, I feel you..." before taking their turn to speak. This breaks down emotional barriers fast.

5. Focusing Soles on Your Own Pleasure

A healthy sexual relationship must be built on mutual understanding, respect, and shared desires. When you focus entirely on your own climax, it shows a lack of empathy that leads to mutual dissatisfaction.

• The Fix: Start reading your partner's non-verbal cues. Pay close attention to their facial expressions, their breathing rate, and their vocal noises to gauge what feels good.

• The 5-Minute Pleasure Game: Set a strict timer for 5 minutes. One partner dedicates themselves entirely to giving the other pleasure, with zero expectation of reciprocity. When the timer goes off, you swap. You can even dedicate an entire evening to one person, then flip the roles the next night.

Partner A Gives Pleasure ➔ 5 Minutes ➔ Partner B Gives Pleasure]➔ 5 Minutes

6. Low Body Confidence

When you feel ashamed of your body or obsess over your wobbly bits, you struggle to let your guard down. This body anxiety causes your partner to feel confused, rejected, or entirely helpless.

• The Fix: Shift how you validate each other. Instead of standard compliments like "You look beautiful tonight," get your partner to ask questions about how you are feeling in your skin. To build physical trust up safely, practice sensual self-care together: give each other low-pressure massages, share a warm bath or shower, or read an erotic novel out loud to each other.

7. You Can’t Be Bothered to Have Sex

Viewing sex as just another stressful chore on your daily to-do list is a red flag that you are checking out of the relationship due to a lack of emotional intimacy or chronic daily anxiety.

• The Fix: Take the pressure entirely off penetration. Focus on grounding self-care habits first to lower your cortisol. Then, reintroduce physical closeness slowly through extended foreplay or mutual masturbation in front of each other without the pressure of performing.

8. Spontaneity Has Completely Vanished

When intimacy becomes predictable, repetitive, and stagnant, the relationship falls into a boring rut. This creates a massive emotional distance between the two of you over the years.

• The Fix: You need to actively date each other again. Book a non-negotiable weekly date night. Try something completely outside of your norm, like a pottery painting class or a dance class. Bring playfulness back into the house with lighthearted play fighting or tickle fights to break down the awkwardness.

9. You Never Engage in Pillow Talk

Rolling straight over and falling asleep the second sex is finished cuts off emotional intimacy at its peak, often leaving your partner feeling used or rejected.

• The Fix: Stay connected post-climax. Use pillow talk to communicate what you loved about the session. Talk about what felt amazing, what didn't, and how you feel emotionally. This simple habit locks in the bonding hormones released during sex.

10. You Never Engage in Foreplay

Rushing straight to penetration without a warm-up is a recipe for physical discomfort. Without foreplay, the body doesn't produce enough natural lubrication, making sex painful and making it take much longer for your nervous system to get into the mood.

• The Fix: Remember my ultimate coaching rule: foreplay starts the exact second your last sex session ends. Build anticipation throughout the day by sending flirty, sexy texts describing exactly what you want to do to each other later.

Let's Open the Conversation.

Did you see my recent expert feature with Superdrug Online? Which of these ten bedroom warning signs have you noticed creeping into your own long-term relationship, and how did it affect your connection?

Let’s have a raw, honest, and completely judgment-free discussion in the comments section below.

If your bedroom has become dry, silent, or ridden with performance anxiety, you do not have to live with a stagnant love life. Head over to gemmanice.com today to book a private 1:1 Breakthrough Coaching Session. Let's work together to unlock your communication blocks, conquer low body confidence, and get real with your pleasure.